Let’s be real—our imaginations tend to wander, especially during solo time. And if you’ve ever found yourself daydreaming about a steamy moment with an ex, you’re far from alone.
According to a survey by Illicit Encounters, 55% of married people admit to fantasizing about a former flame. While that might sound like trouble, sex and relationship expert Anita Fletcher from Fantasy Dildo Co says it’s actually more common—and less problematic—than you’d think.
Why Do We Fantasize About Exes?
“Our brains are built to hold on to intense experiences,” says Fletcher. “And past sexual encounters often rank high on that list.”
It’s not always about the ex themselves—it’s more about the feeling. Sometimes it’s about remembering a time when you felt sexy, confident, or deeply desired.
Fantasizing can give us an insight into what we really want in the bedroom (Getty Stock Image)
Think of it like “muscle memory” for your imagination. Fletcher explains:
“Often, we’re not actually craving the ex—we’re craving the way we felt during that time.”
In short, your mind may just be recycling familiar sensations, not unresolved romantic feelings.
When the Fantasy Becomes a Red Flag
Not all ex-related fantasies are harmless fun. Fletcher warns that constant comparisons to a current partner, feeling emotionally unsettled afterward, or needing the fantasy to climax could point to deeper issues.
“If fantasizing about an ex is the only way you can get off—or it makes you feel sad or stuck—it might be time to reflect,” she advises.
It can be a signal of deeper-rooted issues (PeopleImages/Getty Images)
The key is recognizing whether your fantasy is a healthy form of escapism or a sign you’re emotionally checked out.
How to Shift the Narrative
If you’re feeling uneasy about where your mind goes, don’t panic. Fletcher suggests using these moments as a tool for self-discovery.
✅ Switch up your fantasies: Try new scenarios, characters, or even fictional worlds.
✅ Practice mindful masturbation: Focus on your body and what feels good in the now.
✅ Communicate your desires: Use what you learn to enhance real-life intimacy with your partner.
Certain steps can be taken (Westend61/Getty Images)
“Your fantasy life is a window into your deeper needs,” Fletcher says. “It’s not about guilt—it’s about growth.”
Final Thoughts
So if your thoughts occasionally drift to an ex during your alone time, relax. It’s not a betrayal—it’s psychology. As long as it’s not interfering with your present, it can even help you better understand your sexual preferences and emotional needs.
Merlin Cummings
Merlin Cummings is a sharp writer with a love for the weird, the viral, and the stories that linger. At ViralSensei, he brings fresh perspectives on internet phenomena and cultural oddities. (viralsensei.com)
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